The Unlearning Habits of Spring

I step out, anticipating excitement for warmer weather but only experienced a deep sadness.

You see, I’m working to love spring.

Spring reminds me of my birthday and while in the moment, a joyous occasion, the events that would surround it - not so much. To this day, I’m not sure if those events were terrible coincidences or creations of my subconscious. 

Spring reminds me of panic attacks. 

The first one, the day after my 16th birthday. The most intense one on my 18th. Shit, I don’t even remember my 17th birthday and it’s probably because I’ve wanted to forget it for a very long time. 

Honestly? I actually would like to erase my 17th year around the sun as a whole but I can’t deny that it also marked a change of events to the rest of my life. 

Spring reminds me of spring break. A time that’s usually joyous for young kids and teens but it was a reminder of the cage that I was in.

Lord please forgive them for they know not what they do.

Spring is a precursor to summer. 

Summer holds it’s own weight and burdened storyline but I’d say spring was my warning sign that silence and loneliness was well on its way.

I hate spring. 

I hated spring. 

I’m working to love it. 

But it’s hard to unlearn defense mechanisms from your own thoughts. 

It’s hard to unlearn defense mechanisms of your own reality. 

I thought I would be excited for this day. A day of warmer weather but again, a familiar feeling creeped up inside of me and my natural reflex to flinch, flinched. This feeling and wave of emotion where I had to prepare to fight, to block mental hurdles I subconsciously created. Spring represented the preparation of a mental battle. Spring signaled the wall around me to rise up. 

I didn’t know what I was fighting for during those times. I couldn’t even call it happiness back then because I was so deep in it a pit of anger that I was fine with settling of simply not being angry. Even if that feeling was nothing. Nothing was better than anger, back then. I didn’t know what peace was at the time and to be honest I thought peace was a myth. 

It’s 2018 and while I can say me, peace, joy, and love are pretty much family, I can’t shake off the familiar face of misery. 

And that’s what I thought of on the M train, today. All because of the weather.

Whew.